How To Eat Pussy: A Gourmet Guide For Guys & Gals

Cunnilingus is a pleasure for both women and men, and for many it’s the highest sexual art there is … but how do you do it best? GABRIELLE PHILIPPE gets literarily lingual with this “how to eat pussy” guide …

Get men in a pub and it’s all about having the biggest cockrel in the farmyard, but get them into a small bar, with hipster beards and smoky bourbon whiskey cocktails in a jam-jar, and talk rapidly twists to their lyrical prowess between the sheets, and the ways that they speak to their loved ones below the line.

And yet for every connoisseur, every aficionado of reverse-fellatio internal artistry, there are clumsy, raw beginners desperate to master the dalliance in delecto deliciousa, for whom how to eat pussy – a gourmet guide for guys and gals – makes essential reading.

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So guys and girls, when it comes to going down on her, here’s how to do it best:

Choose Energy Over Technique

Have you ever explored Tantra? The most sensual sex is slow and it’s the same for pussy eating. Get your mouth and nose against her mound of venus and give out the spiritual vibe that you’re gonna stay there. Hover your lips near her lips, then slowly fall into her fleshy mound, become one with it. Oneness, unity, bliss …

Breathe, Breathe Upon It

As you nuzzle her pussy, as a prelude to licking pussy, breathe your hot horny breath upon it. Relax with a deep exhale which communicates that you’re happy and peaceful to be there, and mean it. Your hot breath might just send a shiver up her spine, either way it will help your bae feel like she can lie back and soak up the waves of sexy, erotic pleasure.

Start With Horizontal Licks

As a form of teasing, don’t go for the obvious vertical licks like you see in porn movies, instead flick your tongue rapidly back and forth around her clitoral area. But the key is, do this horizontally. This gives your girl a spark of anticipation – it strongly implies you’re creative and unpredictable. She senses she won’t know which way you’re going to go next.

Connect With Her Pussy Juice

By nuzzling your cheek bones into her pubic mound, you’re creating a massage effect which will help to juice up the inside of her pussy. Make sure you nurture that flowing of her sticky nectars so you can lap up those tropical tastes, swallow and drink her juices … allow her feminine hormones and unique DNA to become part of you, her pussy-print to become absorbed into your soul.

Use Both Hands To Hold Her Pussy Right

Now it’s time to use the hamburger technique. Using the fingers and thumb of both hands, hold her pussy like you would hold a hamburger. Vary the pressure of your fingers and thumbs on the four corners of her pubic bone. By varying the pressure, you will help release even more pussy juice, so as she can feel the flow of these vaginal fluids, you can now start to lick in a more vertical motion. Lick her lips in order to help spread them, laying her clitoris bare, vulnerable to your licks as they now start to begun their rhythmic licking, slurping and sucking.

Speed Up, Slow Down, Speed Up, Slow Down

What’s the rush? Eating pussy is heaven on earth, it’s where time stands still. So sure, speed up to thrill her, and give her a sense that her orgasm is there on the horizon if she wants to grab it. Telepathically convey to her that you know exactly where her orgasm is located, like a city in the distance as you drive across the cuntryside. Then ease off the pace, let her know this is not a 100 metre sprint, it can be a marathon if need be, leaving her breathless and exhausted. Indeed just as there’s tantric sex, there’s tantric cunnilingus too.

Massage Her Groin Area

Girls don’t have access to erotic masseurs who provide a happy ending for an extra twenty bucks, like Australian guys do thanks to our very open sexual laws, so your lady might not have had much in the way of a groin region massage. In fact many lymph nodes are located in the groin area, so you’ll be giving her some lymphatic drainage which is deeply relaxing and even anti-cancer therapy. It also extends her pleasure zone. Oh and don’t forget to reach up and play with her nipples and breasts too.

A Little Pressure, A Little Pain

Her public bone and the flesh on her pubic mound, well, we mostly all know it can take a pounding. So experiment with digging the ends of your fingers into it as you hold her mons pubis like a hamburger. Don’t dig in your thumbs, that area is more sensitive, but definitely as you lap away tantrically, focus in your fingertips on the sides of her feminine flesh. Don’t dig in your fingernails – that will only hurt, and don’t dig in for too long – mix it up organically with completely soft, slow stroking massage movements … now there’s a little secret technique for you.

Forego The Cockcentric Routine

Here’s a little secret about her secret garden … for most women, orgasm is best served via the clitoris, and the clitoris is best served by a tongue. Compare the textures of pussy and tongue – they’re soulmates as well as bedmates – many ladies might not wish to admit it, lest they make their man feel unnecessarily inferior in his waistline manhood, but the bald truth is they’re rather have their orgasm delivered by mouth than dick. So surrender the masculine ego and become a master at serving her orally, her pussy-licking slave.

Lie Back And Drink It In

If you’re a true submitter to feminine power, and you want your psyche to enjoy her being your high priestess of sacred erotic potency, then encourage your girl to straddle your face so as you stimulate her vaginal fluids in the time-old traditions listed above, you can enjoy the flow of her feminine liquid straight down the back of your throat and into your stomach. Mmmm tastes so good. You’re truly and completely surrendering to her power over you, her absolute feminine mystique, you’re drinking from the divine, it’s like laybacks of love and indeed you might get giddy or drunk on it. Maybe it’s even like skolling a beer, except more intoxicating, more like a magical gold-flaked liqueur.

Some Like It Spot

For many women, as you’re licking their clit, they like two fingers turned palm-side upwards, inside their pussy rubbing their G-spot located behind their pubic bone. When you get this quintessential ‘how to eat pussy’ combination right, you’ll be a much-required bedmate most nights of the week. For when you have the rhythm of this up and going, and gradually speeding up, her distant orgasm will suddenly get caught in the spotlight and wide-eyed, like a joey on a late night outback road, you can get it in the pouch.

Stick Around In The Stickiness

Once she’s come, don’t rush off like you’re keen to get out of there. Stick around and kiss her mound. It will make her feel truly loved, truly worshipped, truly adored and truly yours. Its a great little bonding and nurturing time, let her pull you up to kiss her when she’s good and ready.

Indulge Her Multifarious Streak

Many women fantasise about having two lovers and this is where pussy-eating can take on even more virtuous aspects. You may find she likes imagining having a guy licking her nipples while a guy is eating her out. It may only remain a fantasy, but for some women, being worshipped doubly is a welcome adventure. Just imagine as you lick her nipple she’s stroking your head, running her fingers through your hair, while also stroking the head and hair of the man whose mouth and face are between her legs.

And a bit of advice for the girls, do your partner a favour and shave it. Keep it freshly shaved, but with occasional sexy little bristles is okay, and you and your partner will have hours of erotic pleasure together. The Brazilians are onto a good thing, and you’ll be doing your bit to help with the eradication of genital crabs. It’s all good.

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