Paola Saulino: A Patriotic Promise

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Donald Trump likes his countrymen and women to view him as a patriot, and here in Australia Peter Dutton also fancies himself as a saviour of the nation at every turn (-down of a refugee application).

And yet these fine upstanding gentlemen of the right could never match the selfless, generous patriotism of Italy’s Paola Saulino, who despite recently contracting “jaw ache”, is continuing on her mission, which was originally to perform oral sex on 19 million men who voted “No” in the recent Italian referendum.

“My goal is one million, I would love one million,” she recently declared, no doubt after discovering that Italian men like to take their time reaching orgasm.

Such a downward revision in numbers from an initial projection is typically political, and yet having serviced 400 of her compatriots so far, one can at least say she’s giving it a shot.

As part of her nationwide “Pompa (pump) Tour”, the actress pledged to pleasure everyone who voted against Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi’s constitutional reforms last November – so perhaps it was a victory firmed up by her sacrifice as a resounding 59 per cent of the electorate voted “No”.

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Since then principled Paola stiffened her resolve and has bravely embarked on this epic sex quest, stiffening even more public response from Umbria to Catalina, because as this sexually-motivated social media star stated, “I am woman of my word.”

Emerging from Napoli, Paola Saulino started the first “leg” of her tour in Italy’s historic capital Rome on January 7, 2017 and completed the last middle leg in Palermo on January 21, 2017. That’s a fortnight of fellatio, half a month of middle leg munching.

It’s no wonder as she takes some time out between events, Paola has admitted she feels “tired”, “stressed” and is complaining of a sore jaw. Maybe she should have started with the smaller-pricked guys in the north of the country?

So how do the men of a country more known for its pizza and pasta than its pussy, apply for the position? Their one-in-a-million chance to be sucked dry for the good of the country? Each Gianni-cum-lately punter has to fill out an application form via email and then receives his own unique and coveted-in-cum secret booking code. From there it’s a case of joining the queue, first-in-first-serviced, post-coital limoncello is not included but it’s a helluva great story at the bar to tell your envious mates.

But not all Italian men are “up” for the challenge. The clergy is disconsolate, she’s been accused of “throwing mud on those who defend the constitution”, and one poor anxious chap was too overcome with nervous anticipation to perform.

“He then started to cry, saying, ‘I’m sorry I’m too shy.’”

Never placid but clearly flaccid.

In one candid admission which has got sexual health workers the world over scrambling for their condom satchels, Paola confirmed she decides whether each man wears a condom or not. “Nobody has complained so far,” she declared, somewhat unsurprisingly based on the beauty and sexiness she oozes in every selfie.